You keep thinking, “There must be something wrong with me?” “Why am I having all of these intense emotions? Why am I so exhausted? Will I ever feel the way I used to?”
I have heard these phrases countless times coming from parents after their child’s diagnosis of a chronic illness. And no, there is nothing wrong with you. You may have experienced parenting trauma.
We are quick to save the word trauma for the “big things” like death or divorce. But after your child’s diagnosis, the world is never the same again. Your response to your child’s diagnosis depends on a variety of factors, including but not limited to, previous trauma, culture, access to resources, familial relationships, discrimination, current or previous mental health concerns, other disabilities, shame, and fear just to name a few.
What are some of the signs of parenting trauma?
- Functional depression. You are just getting by doing the bare minimum.
- Anxiety. You’re noticing that you are more intense than necessary or overwhelmed.
- Feeling stuck. You may feel as if you can’t move past your child’s diagnosis.
- Guilt or shame. This may look like blaming yourself for your child’s diagnosis or believing that you are somehow being punished
- PTSD symptoms. This may include heightened arousal and reactivity.
How do I get help?
Finding a therapist who recognizes your trauma and meets you where you are is a great first step. Look for a therapist that has experience with medical trauma if possible. Another important factor is finding a therapist that uses a systems approach. In other words, they look at and consider the impact of symptoms on the whole family. Your therapist should feel like a member of your team and demonstrate that they believe and trust your experience as a parent.
You are not weak or selfish by asking for help. In fact, attending to your own mental health allows you to better connect to your child and honors your relationship. Pain is incredibly messy and is not meant to be managed alone.
